I wish I understood what happened between us… I wish I knew why you left me and pretended that I meant nothing to you.
It’s becoming more and more clear though that I did in fact mean nothing to you. I was nothing to you…am nothing to you.
I jut want to know why you will be respectful and sweet with her, but you wouldn’t even do me the favor of being honest with me. I wish I understood what she has that I don’t… I just wish I was enough to earn an ounce of your respect when I gave you all of mine…

I wish we got along better than we do now. We’re fine for a couple hours and then you don’t like something I say and all of a sudden we can’t get along worth crap… You are defiant towards me and stubborn as I’ll get out… You’d think after being out of the house for the most part for a year and a half would change things but nothing has…. I jut want us to have a better friendship, relationship as sisters… But it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen any time soon….

For the first time in a few weeks, I thought about you…about formal…about our adventure that night… And for the first time, I’m not angry about what happened. I’m not resentful for what happened. I’m not bitter, or upset, or hurt.

I’m just content. It doesn’t bother me what happened between me and you. In fact, I think I learned more about myself in that night than I ever thought I would.

I can look back at the events of the night and not grow sad thinking I lost another person from my life. Because we may not end up close friends, but I feel as though we’ll stay in touch. I can look back at the events of the night and smile at one of the many memories made on this journey we call life.

I’m not angry anymore…and I couldn’t be happier about it :)

I’m done… I’m over it… I’m over it all…

I’m done lowering my standards…

I’m done caring what other people think…

I’m done giving people more chances than they deserve…

I’m done letting other people dictate my happiness…

I’m done allowing people to judge me and thinking once, much less twice about it…

I’m done caring too much…

I’m done not listening to my head instead of always siding with my heart…

I’m not bitter towards guys, I’m just over the hurt, the pain, the regret that comes with them for the time being.

I need to learn to be happy on my own again! It’s been so long since I’ve been happy without a boyfriends… But I’m slowly learning that you can’t be happy with someone if you first aren’t happy by yourself… Today is the day I stop being unhappy single. Today is the day I take back control over my emotions. Today is the day I make my life happy again. Today is the day I stop letting judgment get inside my head and under my skin.

Today is the day that I take back control of my life. Because I know that God has huge plans for me, bigger than those I have for myself. I also know that He has someone waiting for me…someone that is perfect for me in every way. And I know that I have these high standards so that He will be able to show me who I am truly meant to be with. And one day, I will meet this guy, if I haven’t already. And one day, God will show me that I am meant to be with this person. And He won’t show me a day too soon or a day too late. It’s time I started trusting Him and His plans instead of searching blindly without Him. It’s time I stopped searching at all. Because I know he will come to me when I least expect it, but when I am most ready for him.

As always promised, good things come to those who wait…and that’s exactly what I intend to do!

Only God and I know what I truly want for Christmas… The same thing I’ve been asking for since I was 17...

I should’ve known what would’ve happened. I should’ve known that you would turn away from me just like everyone else seems to have. I should’ve known…

We met at formal and I thought nothing of it. Bri told me you wanted to dance and I just looked at you standing off to the side with Michael and Stephen. I thought she was messing with me at first, I really did. Then she and Audra dragged you out to dance with me and it turns out, you are just as bad of a dancer as I am. And of course I mean that in the best way possible. So we dance a little as a group, and then the rhythm slows down and I start to leave. But you ask me to dance finally and I say yes. We danced from pretty much the rest of formal. And when we aren’t dancing, we’re yelling at each other over the music trying to get to know each other a little more. And then we go back to the cabin and things escalate rather quickly. I sat down against the wall off to the side, not really comfortable because I’m surrounded by people that I don’t know scattered with a few sisters that I had only recently gotten to know. And you sat down beside me, for reasons I will never be sure of. I’d love to think that it was because you liked me, but I’ll never know.

And that’s where it should’ve stopped, because you started drinking, as did every one else. It doesn’t bother me that you drink. What bothers me is what happened BECAUSE you drank. You reached over a held my hand and I found myself laying my head on your shoulder. And you put your head against mine.

And it should’ve stopped there, because you got drunk. I should’ve seen that it would escalate more only because of the alcohol in your system, but I didn’t. A chair became available so I got up and sat on the arm when you got up to get another drink. You came back and sat in the chair, pulling me onto your lap. And we talked more as I saw your eyes growing heavy. And you kissed my cheek and my forehead when no one else was looking.

And it should’ve stopped there, because then you pretty much passed out. But no…because of the fact that everyone could see us getting closer, I was given the task of making sure you were still breathing after you were placed on the floor. I laid next to you with no expectations, but ended up being wrapped in your arms all night. And I was comfortable and I had a smile on my face all night, regardless of the fact that I got next to no sleep that night. That wasn’t your fault, it was just because of everything else that happened that night.

And it should’ve stopped there, because there was absolutely no reason for anything else to happen. But it didn’t. You kissed me that morning, many times, and I began to fall. I began to fall for you…not because I had intentions of it, but because you were sweet and you paid attention to me when I felt no one else was. And we left the cabin and we talked on the way back to campus. And then we parted ways with no words about what was to come after Sunday. And we talked a little and we had dinner together on Monday and we talked more on Tuesday. And that’s when things changed.

But I should’ve seen it coming. I should’ve known that when I finally got it out of you, you would say that you “weren’t ready or looking for a relationship”. I should’ve known that Saturday night was nothing but an innocent girl and a drunk boy. But I didn’t. I was naive enough to think that there was actually something there. So we stay friends…which I am fine with if it actually happens. But in my experience, it doesn’t. Because in my experience, everyone turns on me, everyone leaves.

And I should’ve known that this would be the same way. I tried to talk to you a little and it went as well as it could go. And then I saw you face-to-face for the first time since Monday night. And I should’ve known it wouldn’t go well. I should’ve known that I would end up looking like an idiot as I tried to talk to you. You just stood there and hardly acknowledged my existence.

And I realize that I might seem crazy for reacting this way, but you know nothing about me, nothing abut my past, nothing about what makes me who I am. I have a history of having people turn their backs on me. I have a history of being left behind, of being let down, of being forgotten. So I try to avoid it at all cost. And if that means being a little “clingy” to see if people are going to be there for me, then so be it. I’m not going to continue to put myself into situations where I am going to get hurt, where I am going to end up on my own again.

For you to do that to me was more than I can handle. I looked like an absolute idiot thanks to you. As if I wasn’t distracted enough from studying, you made my night about 100 times worse. It’s because of you that my loneliness came back to the forefront of my mind like never before. It’s because of you that I have been angry at myself all night. I blame myself for what happened on Saturday. I blame myself for letting things get to where they did. But you know what, it’s your fault. You were the one who drank, you were the one who knew what you would be like drunk. You were the one that led on an innocent girl who happens to fall for people very easily. You treated me like you actually wanted something to do with me. You treated me like you actually liked me. But I guess it was all just a drunken act, a lie.

So you know what? I’m done. I’m not going to put myself through this madness again. I am not going to put myself into a situation that’s only destined to get myself hurt again. I’m done! I’m done blaming myself for this when it is YOUR fault. I’m not bitter or resentful towards you. I’m just done..